What If We Let Men Fall Apart? Rethinking Masculinity & Divorce Coaching for Men

As we mark Men’s Health Week 2025 (9–15 June), and Father's Day, the campaign theme encourages men to do something deceptively simple: check in with themselves.

A 'Man MOT' (just like you’d give your car) is a prompt to take stock of how you’re really doing. Physically, mentally, emotionally. And for many men, especially those going through major life changes like divorce or separation, that check-in might reveal more than they expected.

This article explores why men’s mental health still often goes unspoken, how societal expectations shape that silence, and what can help, particularly during and after separation.

Judy Chicago, The Three Faces of Man, from PowerPlay, 1985. © Judy Chicago / Artists Rights Society (ARS), New York. Photo © Donald Woodman / Artists

Why Men Often Struggle to Ask for Help

Men are still far less likely to seek mental health support, even when they’re struggling. According to the Men’s Health Forum:

• Half of all men have faced mental health challenges

• 37% hide their struggles from loved ones

• 30% don’t know where to turn for help

This is not just about stigma, it’s also about deeply ingrained beliefs around masculinity. Many men are socialised to be self-reliant, rational, and emotionally contained. During separation, these messages can become particularly loud.

And yet, divorce is often one of the most destabilising events a person can go through. It can uproot identity, routine, finances, parenting roles, and emotional safety all at once. Men deserve the same permission as anyone else to grieve, reflect, and rebuild.

Image credit: https://www.thebvnewspaper.com/2020/03/18/the-art-of-masculinity-be-kind/

Masculinity, Silence and Inclusion - and How They Intersect More Than We Think

From a sociological and psychological perspective, masculinity (just like femininity) goes beyond individual identity - it's a cultural script. And for many men, that script still includes unspoken expectations: be strong, be rational, be independent, be in control.

These norms don’t just shape behaviour, they shape what men believe they’re allowed to feel, and whether they’re permitted to express it. In psychotherapy, this is often referred to as "normative male alexithymia": the difficulty many men face in recognising or articulating their emotions, not because of a personal flaw but because they were rarely taught the language or permission for it.

As psychotherapist Terry Real writes:

"The traditional masculine code is like an emotional straitjacket."

The silence it creates isn’t neutral; it has consequences. It isolates. It harms relationships. And it can become a risk factor for anxiety, depression, and even suicide.

Letting Men Be Human: What Inclusion Really Means

At the same time, when we talk about inclusion, we often focus on those visibly marginalised or excluded by society (and for good reason - that work matters deeply). But inclusion also means dismantling all the systems and social norms that limit the authentic expression of our humanity. That includes challenging a version of masculinity that discourages vulnerability or emotional expression.

And when we take men’s emotional wellbeing seriously, without ridicule or suspicion, we not only support individual men, but also create a culture that values connection over suppression, and care over performance. That’s inclusion, too.

That’s why efforts to rethink masculinity like those explored in the viral Netflix drama Adolescence, and the work of men like Elliott Rae and Chance Marshall (both of whose content on LinkedIn I enjoy thoroughly and highly recommend) are so essential. These conversations show us what’s possible when men are given space to reflect, feel, and be heard without judgement.

Writer Alexis Landau captured this sentiment beautifully in her LA Times Father’s Day essay, reflecting on her own emotionally present father who defied stereotypes.

"My dad did not fit any mould. He showed me that love is an action more than a label (...) On the days I could feel him struggling, he let himself be vulnerable – and that taught me more than any lesson in strength ever could."

In one of my favourite quotes from the essay, Landau makes a great point around what we, as a society, need to be promoting more of: fathers (and men in general) who defy stereotypes:

"Our culture could use more stories about different kinds of fathers — including those who are inherently nurturing, who embody both masculine and feminine energy, who willingly share the emotional and domestic labor with their spouses, who show up for their children without question (and without expecting a medal for it). We should expect the same dedication from fathers as we do from mothers, and not marvel at a dad with his toddler in the grocery store or congratulate him for scheduling a pediatrician appointment."

These reflections are a reminder that masculinity does not need to be defined by distance, detachment, or stoicism, but by care, connection, and authenticity. Because those things already exist in men - we just haven't been told we can accept or celebrate them. But we must; especially if we want a world in which everyone, regardless of gender, can thrive.

Practical Ways Men Can Support Their Wellbeing Through Divorce

Creating emotionally safe, non-punitive environments is critical - especially in divorce coaching for men going through transitions where their sense of identity may feel shaken or unclear.

Here are a few tools men can use to support their mental health and self-esteem during (and after) divorce or separation.

Mental and Emotional Check-In:

• Track your stressors: What consistently affects your mood?

• Name your emotions: Try "I feel [emotion] because..." instead of "I’m fine"

• Mood journal: Use an app or notebook to monitor ups and downs, without judgement

Relationships and Communication:

• Talk to someone regularly - a friend, sibling, coach, or support group

• Join a group like Andy’s Man Club or explore community-based men's circles

• Use structured tools for co-parenting communication to reduce conflict and emotional overload

Grounding and Daily Resilience:

• Try the '5-4-3-2-1' grounding technique in moments of stress

• Take walks without a phone or podcast - just to be with your thoughts

• Prioritise rest and hydration, even if everything else feels chaotic

You don’t have to overhaul your life all at once. Start with one small act of care, a quick, regular check-up, just like you would for your car if it needed attention.

Recommended Reading

Looking to understand yourself better, or support someone else? These books offer insight, compassion, and practical tools.

• Men Under Pressure – Whitney Wright (2025) A practical and empathetic guide for men to manage stress, anxiety, and emotional overwhelm.

  
  

• Men’s Mental Health: A Wellness-Based Approach to Healthy Masculinity – Granello, Fleming and Hudson (2024) A research-based look at how to support men's wellness across emotional, physical, and relational domains.

  
  

• Role Mate to Soul Mate – Warren Farrell (2024) Helps men build healthier relationships through better communication and emotional understanding.

  
  

• Mask Off – JJ Bola (2019) A powerful dismantling of patriarchal masculinity, with an invitation to live more freely and fully.

  
  

• I Don’t Want to Talk About It – Terry Real (1997) A classic exploration of male depression, emotional isolation, and how healing often begins with connection.

Final Thoughts and a Gentle Invitation

You don’t have to wait until everything breaks down to ask for support. You don’t have to justify needing rest, reflection, or change.

If you’re a man going through separation or divorce and you’re feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or unsure of where to begin, I offer a free, no-pressure call to explore whether coaching might be right for you.

👉 Book a free call here

No fixing. No judgement. Just a space to think, talk, and move forward at your own pace.

Your wellbeing matters. Let’s treat it like it does.