Breaking Free from Guilt and Shame

Divorce brings a whirlwind of emotions, with guilt and shame frequently taking centre stage. These feelings can be overwhelming, clouding judgement, lowering self-worth and hindering the healing process. Yet, by understanding and addressing them with compassion and clarity, it’s entirely possible to move forward.

This article offers evidence-based strategies from psychology and psychotherapy, alongside insights from Brené Brown’s pioneering research on shame and vulnerability, to help you break free from these powerful emotions.

But first: guilt and shame - what are they and why are they so significant?

Understanding Guilt and Shame

For one of my counselling training classes last year, we were asked to reflect on the difference between guilt and shame. Are they the same thing? Different angles of the same experience? Two shades of the same colour?

At first, I thought they were more or less interchangeable. I couldn't quite put my finger on how, yet these emotions seemed to co-exist in the same spaces. But then I remembered that one half of the story - shame - is exactly what one of my favourite researchers, Brené Brown, has spent much of her career exploring. I came across a quote of hers that really helped me wrap my head around it:

“I define shame as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging—something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.” (Brené Brown)

The reason guilt and shame feel so similar is because they both touch on something deeply human: our need to belong. But what sets them apart, and what makes shame particularly painful, is the way it attacks our sense of self.

Shame says: "You are the problem."

"You got divorced because you're not enough."

"You couldn’t keep your family together because there’s something wrong with you."

And that’s why, as Brené puts it, shame can be so destructive: because when we believe it, we begin to see ourselves as fundamentally unworthy of connection.

Guilt, on the other hand, can be adaptive. It’s the discomfort we feel when our actions don’t align with our values. It says, “I made a mistake,” rather than “I am a mistake.”

That difference is everything. Once we begin to recognise shame for what it is - a story that isolates us and distorts the truth - we can begin to challenge it. To loosen its grip.

Guilt can motivate healthy reflection and change, while shame tends to isolate and paralyse.

Fortunately, both can be worked through. Here are 10 tips that will help you make those crucial steps:

1. Acknowledge and Accept Your Feelings

Avoiding difficult emotions can prolong suffering. Recognise that guilt and shame are natural responses to loss and change. Allow yourself to feel these emotions without judgement; they’re part of the human experience, not signs of weakness.

Brown’s research shows that shame thrives in secrecy. Simply naming your feelings and speaking them aloud can start to dissolve their power.

2. Reframe Negative Thoughts

Challenge the inner critic. Instead of thinking, “I failed at my marriage,” try, “The relationship ended, but I’m still worthy of love and connection.” Cognitive restructuring (shifting how you interpret events) can foster a more compassionate and balanced view of yourself.

3. Practice Shame Resilience

Brown identifies four key elements of shame resilience:

Recognise your shame triggers – What thoughts or situations make you feel unworthy?

Practice critical awareness – Are you measuring yourself against unrealistic societal or personal expectations?

Reach out – Share your experience with someone who responds with empathy.

Speak shame – Verbalise your feelings; bringing shame into the light lessens its grip.

4. Seek Professional Support

A therapist or counsellor can help you untangle complex emotions and develop healthy coping strategies. Therapy provides a space to reflect, grow, and gain new perspectives, which is particularly helpful if shame is impacting your ability to move forward.

As Talkspace therapist Dr Karmen Smith notes, “During a divorce, painful feelings of guilt or shame can challenge our forward motion. Therapy can help work through those negative emotions.”

5. Practise Self-Compassion

You are not alone in this. Self-compassion means treating yourself with the same care and understanding you would offer a friend. Acknowledge your pain without self-blame. Everyone makes mistakes, and imperfection is not a character flaw - it’s human.

Meet yourself with kindness instead of criticism - especially in moments of struggle.

Self-compassion might look like reminding yourself "I did the best I could with what I knew then" instead of replaying past decisions over and over. It could be taking a break from the relentless inner voice that says you should be 'over it by now', and allowing space to grieve or feel sad without judgment.

Or it might even be as simple as making yourself a nourishing meal, choosing rest instead of pushing through, or speaking to yourself as you would a close friend: with patience, understanding, and care.

6. Establish Healthy Boundaries

Boundaries help clarify where you end and others begin - protecting your emotional wellbeing, reducing resentment, and allowing you to engage in relationships with greater clarity and confidence.

Research shows that setting healthy boundaries is strongly linked to reduced stress, improved self-esteem, and better relationship satisfaction (Smith et al., 2011).

Your boundaries on your journey through divorce might include limiting contact with your ex-partner or stepping back from people who amplify feelings of guilt or judgement.

Boundaries aren’t about pushing others away; they’re about creating space to heal.

7. Engage in Meaningful Self-Care

Self-care isn’t indulgent - it’s essential. Physical activity, rest, nourishing food, time in nature, meditation, journalling, and creative expression can all support emotional regulation and build resilience.

Prioritise the practices that make you feel most grounded and alive, but don’t overlook the basics, especially if you’re neurodivergent. For example, people with ADHD often experience executive dysfunction, which can make everyday tasks like brushing teeth, changing bedding or paying bills feel overwhelming and easy to neglect.

But small wins count. Whether it’s making it to a yoga class or finally cancelling that free trial before it charges you for the year - every act of care is a meaningful step toward looking after yourself.

8. Reflect on the Relationship Objectively

Divorce rarely stems from one person’s actions alone. Looking back with honesty and balance can help release blame.

What dynamics were at play?

What did you learn?

This kind of reflection allows you to carry forward growth, not guilt.

9. Join a Supportive Community

Whether it's a formal support group, a coaching circle, or simply friends who’ve been through similar experiences, connection is a powerful antidote to shame.

Hearing someone say, "I’ve been through that too" can be one of the most healing experiences after a divorce. That sense of connection, of not being alone, helps loosen the grip of shame.

That said, support doesn’t have to come in the form of a traditional group or therapy circle. For some, moving forward means gently distancing themselves from the experience. And that’s not avoidance or weakness. Supportive community can take many shapes: an art class, a book club, an open mic night, or even your local gym.

Whatever helps you feel connected, seen, or simply more like yourself - that’s valid, and that’s enough.

10. Be Patient with Yourself

Healing is not linear. There will be good days and bad days; you might even go backwards as you try to move forward.

Research in trauma recovery and grief psychology consistently shows that progress often involves ups and downs, with periods of regression being a normal part of the process (Bonanno, 2009). As clinical psychologist Dr. Mary-Frances O’Connor notes “Setbacks are not failures—they're part of how the brain relearns safety and adaptation after loss.”

Give yourself time and space to grieve, reflect and grow. Celebrate progress, however small, and remember: you’re doing the work of rebuilding, and that’s something to be proud of.

Final Thoughts

Guilt and shame after divorce are deeply human responses, but they don’t have to define your future. With self-awareness, support, and compassionate tools, you can loosen their hold and reconnect with your sense of worth and possibility.

As Brené Brown reminds us in her TED Talk Listening to Shame (below), naming shame and walking through vulnerability is how we build resilience and reclaim our lives.

You are not broken. You are becoming. And this chapter, however painful, can be the beginning of something more whole, grounded and true.

💚 Need help? I'm here to listen. Let's explore how we can work together.