No Bad Parts: What Internal Family Systems (IFS) Can Teach Us About Healing, Through Divorce And Beyond
- Doris Cozma
- Oct 29
- 5 min read
When a relationship ends, it can feel as though we’ve split into pieces. One part of us feels angry. Another feels ashamed. Another just wants to keep everything together, to stay ‘fine’.
If you’ve ever noticed this inner tug-of-war, you’ve already glimpsed what Dr. Richard Schwartz’s Internal Family Systems (IFS) model describes: that we are all made up of parts, and that every part, no matter how messy or painful, has a reason for being there.
Understanding IFS in simple terms
IFS begins with a radical idea:
"There are no bad parts" - Dr. Richard Schwartz
Rather than seeing our emotions or behaviours as problems to fix, IFS invites us to get curious about them.
We all have protective “managers” (the organised planner, the inner critic, the peacekeeper), emotional “exiles” (the young, vulnerable parts carrying our pain), and reactive “firefighters” (the ones who try to numb or distract us when things feel unbearable).
At the centre of it all lies the Self - a calm, compassionate core that can gently lead the system, once we learn to listen.
In Schwartz’s words, IFS “offers the kind of uplifting paradigm and set of practices that can achieve the changes we need”. It reminds us that transformation doesn’t happen through shame or suppression but through relationship, the one we build with ourselves.
Why this matters during divorce
Divorce often awakens parts we’ve kept quiet for years… The part that blames itself, the part that wants to run, the part that feels utterly lost without the relationship it once defined itself through.
IFS helps us make sense of this chaos. Instead of asking, “What’s wrong with me?” it encourages us to ask, “Which part of me is showing up, and what is it trying to protect?”
For example:
The angry part might be trying to shield an ‘exile’ carrying grief or rejection.
The perfectionist may be working overtime to prevent future hurt.
The numb or detached part might be saying “It’s too much right now”.
By turning toward these parts with compassion rather than judgment, we create the conditions for healing. As Schwartz puts it, “Love is the answer in the inner world, just as it is in the outer world”.
When we listen to our parts, rather than exile them, we begin to restore internal trust.
Over time, this curiosity helps us make better external decisions too: setting boundaries, communicating needs, or simply finding the courage to rest.
No bad parts… even the ones you dislike
One of the most freeing aspects of IFS is its view that even our most self-sabotaging tendencies are not “bad”. They’re parts that learned to protect us, often long ago.
A client once described her anxiety as “the annoying part that ruins everything”. Through gentle exploration, she discovered that this anxious part was trying to keep her safe from conflict; it had watched her parents fight and concluded that staying alert was the only way to prevent chaos. Once she recognised its protective intention, the anxiety softened. What had felt like an enemy became an ally.
In IFS, we don’t banish parts; we befriend them. We learn to lead them from the Self - a place of clarity, courage and compassion. Divorce, for all its pain, can become an invitation to reconnect with that Self and begin to live from it.
IFS and neurodivergence: making peace with our inner system
IFS can be particularly powerful for working with trauma, which is a common application for this therapeutic framework, but it can be incredibly helpful for neurodivergent individuals as well. Many of us have parts that developed to cope with years of masking, misunderstanding, or sensory overwhelm.
Speaking personally, as someone with ADHD, I’ve had to get to know both my scatter-brained part and my control-freak part. The first makes impulsive decisions, forgets emails, and resists structure. The second micromanages every detail to stop the first from wreaking havoc.
Through an IFS lens, I’ve learned not to shame either. When I pause and listen, I often find the scatter-brained part is craving stimulation or rest, while the control-freak part is terrified of being seen as unreliable. Both are trying, in their own way, to help me feel safe and competent.
When we start to understand these internal negotiations, our self-talk changes. Instead of “Why can’t I just get it together?” we can ask “Which part of me is taking over, and what does it need?” That small shift opens a world of compassion and possibility.
How to begin exploring your parts
You don’t need to be in therapy to start applying IFS ideas. Other than reading Dr. Schwartz’s book, or having a go at the workbook, there are also small ways you can make the first steps yourself.
Here are a few gentle ways to begin:
Notice your language.
Try saying, “A part of me feels angry” instead of “I’m angry”. This subtle separation helps you recognise that emotions are parts of you, not your whole identity.
Get curious, not critical.
When you feel triggered, take a moment to ask: “What might this part be protecting?” or “What is it afraid would happen if it stopped doing this?”
Offer appreciation.
Even the parts that overthink, overeat, or overreact are trying to help in their own misguided way. A simple “Thank you for trying to protect me” (or whatever form that appreciation may take for you) can go a surprisingly long way.
Invite connection.
As Schwartz writes, “When parts unblend, the Self’s nourishing energy is readily available again”. We don’t have to fix our parts; we just need to meet them with compassion so that our Self can come forward.
If the process feels overwhelming, it can help to work with an IFS-trained therapist or a divorce coach familiar with parts-based approaches - someone who can hold the space safely as you explore.
From inner peace to outer change
One of the most beautiful aspects of IFS is its wider promise. Schwartz argues that to solve our world’s biggest problems - greed, disconnection, conflict - we must first transform how we relate to ourselves.
“We need a new model of the mind, one that convincingly shows that humanity is inherently good and thoroughly interconnected” - Dr. Richard Schwartz
When we begin to see that there are no bad parts inside us, we also start to see that there are no bad parts in others - only pain and protection expressed in different ways. Divorce can fracture relationships, but it can also reveal the deeper human truth that we are all doing our best to keep our systems safe.
If you’re navigating divorce or separation and would like to explore how IFS concepts can support your emotional healing, you don’t have to do it alone.
At DC², I help clients tune into their internal system with curiosity and compassion, so they can move forward with clarity, confidence and Self-leadership. Book your free exploratory session.
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