What Lies Beneath ‘Perfect’ Relationships? What Couples Therapy and Divorce Reveal About Unconscious Relationship Dynamics
- Doris Cozma
- Aug 17
- 4 min read
This past summer, I had the privilege of completing the 'Introduction to Couple Counselling and Therapy' course at Tavistock Relationships, a renowned training centre for psychodynamic couples therapy in the UK. As a Divorce & Separation Coach, I came to this course not just to expand my toolkit, but to deepen my understanding of how relationships really work - especially the ones that seem “fine” on the surface, until they suddenly aren’t.
Over several months, we explored the emotional and unconscious forces that shape couple dynamics: from attachment and projection, to sexuality, conflict, loss, and separation. We asked hard questions about what gets played out between partners - and what gets avoided entirely.
When Harmony Isn’t What It Seems
One of the most important lessons from this course was this: some of the most dysfunctional dynamics are also the most invisible.
Many of us are drawn to a sense of “oneness” in a relationship - the feeling that someone finally gets us, mirrors us, completes us. And while closeness and safety are vital, this desire can also lead to relationships where conflict feels intolerable. So we adapt. We soothe. We avoid. And slowly, the edges of our individual selves begin to blur.
Psychotherapists (and my Tavistock tutors, more specifically) often referred to this kind of pattern as the "illusion of harmony". A couple might rarely argue - but that doesn’t mean the relationship is healthy. In fact, it often means both partners are unconsciously protecting themselves from something that feels too threatening to express.
The "Babes in the Wood" Dynamic
This idea came alive for me when reading 'Tell Me the Truth About Love' by Susanna Abse, a psychotherapist and former CEO of Tavistock Relationships. Her book is filled with beautifully written vignettes from her years of working with couples.
One story in particular, Jack and Jill’s (the humour of whose anonymised names did not fail to make me giggle), has stayed with me. Abse calls them the “Babes in the Wood” couple: two people who created a kind of childlike refuge from the world. As she writes:
“Each partner adapts to the other so that there is an illusion of oneness… like a blissful experience of being held and secure.”
But beneath this illusion, Jack and Jill couldn’t tolerate any real difference. Instead of confronting frustrations between them, they redirected that anxiety outward - blaming neighbours, colleagues, family. In therapy, they struggled to separate their individual feelings from the safety of their couple bubble.
This vignette helped me recognise a pattern I’ve seen many times in my coaching work - clients who describe their relationship as “fine” or “easy,” but who also feel lost, silenced, or unsure of who they were within it. Often, it’s only after the breakup that they begin to reconnect with their own voice.
How Couples Therapy and Divorce Work Together to Reveal Deeper Relationship Patterns
One of the course’s core concepts was projective identification — a term used in psychodynamic therapy to describe how we unconsciously push unwanted feelings into others. For example, someone who feels deep insecurity might accuse their partner of being needy. Or a partner who avoids anger might unconsciously provoke the other to explode, carrying the emotion on their behalf.
These dynamics are not exclusive to romantic relationships; they show up in friendships, families, even professional settings. But in intimate relationships, where we often recreate early attachment patterns, they run especially deep.
Understanding this has transformed how I hold space for my clients; not just by focusing on the legal or logistical aspects of separation, but by gently helping them reflect on what was being played out emotionally within the relationship.
Couples therapy and divorce are often viewed as opposing paths - one to preserve, the other to end - but in reality, both can serve as turning points for deep emotional insight and growth. Whether a couple stays together or not, the work of understanding these patterns can be profoundly healing.
A Divorce Coach’s Perspective on What Healing Can Look Like
This course has reaffirmed my belief that divorce is never just about the ending; it's also about the story that came before. The unspoken rules. The emotional contracts. The dynamics that feel familiar, even if they weren’t healthy.
It’s also reminded me that when a relationship ends, it can be an opportunity not just for grief, but for deep, honest growth. That growth often starts with the uncomfortable work of recognising our own part in a dynamic… without self-blame, and with compassion.
As someone working at the intersection of couples therapy and divorce support, I’ve come to believe that even endings can carry the seeds of transformation, especially when we approach them with curiosity rather than shame or self-blame.
Final Thoughts (and a Question)
There’s a line in Abse’s book that I keep coming back to:
“Most adult relationships go through a gradual disillusionment and separation process. This can be the end, or the beginning of something more real.”
It’s a powerful reminder that the cracks in a relationship don’t always mean failure. Sometimes, they reveal what’s been hidden all along, and offer a chance to rebuild something truer, either with our partner or with ourselves.
Have you ever experienced a relationship that looked “perfect” on the outside, but left you feeling unseen or unsure inside?
If you’re going through a separation and would like support that’s both heart-led and rooted in psychological insight, feel free to explore my coaching services or book a free discovery call.
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