Setting Boundaries After Separation: Why It Matters and How to Begin
- Doris Cozma
- Apr 17
- 4 min read
One of the most important (and most challenging) skills to develop during divorce or separation is the ability to set and maintain boundaries.
If that sentence already makes you feel uncomfortable, you’re not alone.
Many of us have been socialised to associate boundaries with coldness, rejection or even selfishness. Add to that the emotional intensity and interpersonal complexity of a divorce, and it’s easy to see why people feel guilty, unsure, or even afraid to assert their needs.
But here’s the truth: Boundaries are not a luxury. They’re a lifeline.
They are essential for your emotional well-being, your sense of identity, and your capacity to heal and move forward.
Why Boundaries Matter During Divorce
Divorce often brings a period of significant upheaval - emotionally, psychologically, logistically, and relationally. You're grieving the loss of a relationship, perhaps adjusting to co-parenting or financial changes, all while trying to re-establish a sense of self. It’s a lot.
Boundaries act as protective scaffolding in this unstable time. As trauma therapist and author Resmaa Menakem puts it, in 'My Grandmother’s Hands':
“Your body, your spirit, and your soul need—and deserve—protection.” (Resmaa Menakem)
By setting clear boundaries, you help regulate your nervous system, manage interpersonal stressors, and create a sense of safety, control, and dignity in your day-to-day life.
Psychologically, boundaries are a core component of healthy individuation—the process of separating your identity and needs from those of others. Carl Jung and later attachment-focused therapists have emphasised how this process is essential for mature relationships and self-development.
What Are Boundaries, Really?
Boundaries are not rules for other people. They are guidelines you set for yourself—about what you will and won’t tolerate, how you want to be treated, and what you need in order to feel emotionally safe and respected.
In therapy terms, they support self-differentiation (Bowen, 1978)—your ability to maintain a clear sense of self, even in emotionally intense relationships.
Boundaries can be:
Emotional – e.g. "I don’t want to discuss our relationship history in front of the children."
Physical – e.g. "I’m not comfortable with unannounced visits."
Temporal – e.g. "I’m only available to co-parenting texts between 8am and 6pm."
Conversational – e.g. "If the conversation turns aggressive, I will end the call."
Why Setting Boundaries Feels So Hard
Divorce can trigger fawning behaviours—a trauma response where we over-accommodate others to avoid conflict or abandonment. You may feel pressure to 'keep the peace', avoid rocking the boat, or be 'the bigger person'.
This is especially common in high-conflict divorces, or where there has been emotional manipulation, enmeshment or co-dependency in the relationship.
But boundaries aren’t about being confrontational or cutting people off. They are about honouring your own limits. As Brené Brown says:
“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.”
The Psychology of Boundary-Setting
From a neuroscience perspective, boundaries help regulate your fight-flight-freeze-fawn response. When you have clear expectations for yourself and others, your body feels more grounded and safe—allowing your prefrontal cortex (your rational brain) to stay online, rather than being hijacked by anxiety or panic.
In Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, we learn that boundary-violating situations often activate "protector parts"—internal voices that want to avoid conflict or seek approval. By becoming curious about those parts (rather than judging them), you can work with your fear rather than against it.
This also aligns with (and reminds me of) the work of Susan Jeffers, whose classic book Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway reminds us:
“Not only am I going to experience fear whenever I’m on unfamiliar territory, but so is everyone else.”
Practical Techniques for Setting Boundaries
Use Clear, Direct Language
“I need some time before I respond to this.”
“This conversation is no longer productive for me.”
Anticipate Pushback
Boundaries often reveal other people’s discomfort more than your own wrongdoing. Expect resistance, but stay grounded.
Start Small
Practice with low-stakes situations. Build confidence gradually.
Name Your Emotions
Try journaling or speaking with a therapist to clarify your discomfort. Emotions are often the first indicators that a boundary is needed.
Use the "DEAR MAN" Skill (DBT Tool) From Dialectical Behaviour Therapy, this acronym helps you communicate assertively:
Describe the situation
Express how you feel
Assert what you need
Reinforce why it matters
Mindful of staying present
Appear confident
Negotiate where needed
A breakdown of this technique can be found in this Youtube video.
Boundaries Are a Form of Self-Compassion
In the words of psychotherapist Kristin Neff, self-compassion means treating yourself with the same kindness and care you’d offer a close friend. Boundaries are a way of saying to yourself: "I matter too".
You deserve peace. You deserve healing. And you deserve relationships—present or future—that respect your needs and values.
If You’re Struggling, You’re Not Alone
Setting boundaries can be especially hard when you’re already feeling vulnerable, depleted, or unsure. That doesn’t mean you’re failing. It just means you’re human.
If this resonates with you, know that support is available. As a Divorce & Separation Coach, I work with clients to identify their emotional needs, explore patterns around people-pleasing or over-functioning, and develop the tools to set healthy, sustainable boundaries in everyday life.
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